… and our obsession with all things equine cannot be allowed to become any more intense – the future of the human race depends on it.
We already spend too much time celebrating anthropomorphised horse-like characters including Mr Ed, Quick Draw McGraw and My Little Pony, so no wonder now horses are in the news 24/7 – traditional boundaries between our species are beginning to blur in our heads.
"I was at my house waiting for my girlfriend to call. I told myself that if she didn't call me I was going to go next door and mess with the neighbour's horse …" this Texan man told the police after being caught with his trousers down in a barn.
"I was trying to make the horse have a baby. I was thinking it would have a horse-man baby."
Because … Much of the country is unwilling or unable to take this unpalatable equine exposé seriously. Despite environment secretary Owen Paterson feeling it's now time for a "horsemeat summit" with the FSA and major retailers who sell horse burgers, lasagnes and pies – many folk are still trying to impress their friends by using a horsemeat calculator to work out what percentage of a horse they've eaten in their lives and watching silly videos of pantomime horses grieving for their family in the meat aisles at Tesco.
Were people dressing up as cows and filming themselves doing dirty protests on the floor of butchers' shops at the height of the 1990s BSE crisis? No, people still knew how to be terrified and outraged properly back then.
Because … This is not the first time horses have become a problem in our cities. In 1994, it emerged that large groups of wild horses were running amok in London Underground tunnels beneath the capital.
This anomaly was never properly investigated, and therefore no direct link has yet to be found between this incident and the current crisis. But it doesn't take a naturalist to realise horses – be them on our plates and/or interfering with our daily commute – can be bad news once outside of a field.
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